My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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