I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
