And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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