I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Who died my cat blue again?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
