This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
