If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
