yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
