i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
