New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
