The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
