I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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