This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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