dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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