If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
