you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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