First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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