remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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