Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
