well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
