I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
