So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
