one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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