are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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