ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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