If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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