She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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