Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize