Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
