You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
