Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
