sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
