My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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