my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
