I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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