He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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