i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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