a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
