It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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