Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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