Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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