Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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