Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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