Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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