I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
