He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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