who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
