u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Randomize
