We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
you would pick up someone in the library
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
