Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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