I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
