you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
