omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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