ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
