I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
