He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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