Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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