the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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